Abuse: the stolen life and the curse

By Anne on 19 August 2020

Abuse - the stolen life

Abuse means that people in want take physical or spiritual life force from those entrusted to their care.

As a basis see:
Abuse and Redemption in Human Traditions

Compensating for one's own deficit

Taking from the other what one lacks

When someone "needs" another for their own purposes, for selfish motives, by taking physical or spiritual vitality from them, it is abuse. People in need need and abuse others - daily and everywhere - because they cannot help it and do not know any better.

The bigger one's own problems are, the greater the temptation to fill and compensate for the "hole" through others.

Power and dependence

A power imbalance

A prerequisite for abuse is a power imbalance or dependency.
In the relationship of parents or caregivers of children or charges, this dependency is particularly obvious. The stronger one, the one who is "on top", can set the rules and take what he wants from the weaker one.

Abuse of a child in need of protection

People in responsibility are therefore always tempted to take what they need from the dependent. They do this by demanding admiration and affirmation, by building themselves up at the expense of others, also by devaluing or humiliating the victim.

Damaged integrity and defective protection mechanisms

In abuse, boundaries are crossed. The abused is hurt by having his/her integrity attacked or destroyed.
An appropriate image is a damaged city wall through which enemies can invade the city.

People whose boundaries have been crossed tend to cross the boundaries of others in turn.

Abuse in the family

The task of those responsible

The greater the personal problems of the parents, the more likely the children will be affected.

Children should be allowed to take!

Children need nourishment, warmth, closeness, love, attention, confirmation, encouragement, correction, guidance and protection in order to develop into whole human beings. They should be allowed to "take" and receive all this.
However, parents find it difficult to give their children what they have not received themselves. How should they be able to fill this deficit?

Trust, honesty and personal responsibility

The best way to eliminate one's own deficit is certainly to trust in an all-powerful, loving, just and generous Father.

[S. The prayer "Our Father.]

No one is without deficit in this world. But those who are willing to recognise this and work on themselves can leave others in freedom and dignity.

The plight of the addicts

Too early in the role of an adult

When children have to give instead of being allowed to receive, they fall into the role of an adult too early and are thus deprived of their childhood. This is the case when they have to "serve" the parents in a way that is not appropriate for children. Examples of this are:

Endure and balance mood swings,
Confrontation with problems that they cannot solve,
need to give comfort, appreciation and recognition and affirmation instead of receiving.

Transfer of feelings of guilt

It is so easy to take from children because they sense disagreement and suffer as a result. Of course, on the surface, the stress of those in charge often has to do with the demanding behaviour of their charges. Nevertheless, it is not okay if they on the one hand get displeasure and the excessive demands and on the other hand also have to feel guilty for it.

The child as a substitute for a partner

Problems in the partnership

If the partners are caught up in a power game, they will have trouble getting what they lack from the other, be it emotional attention or sex. The greater the problems in the partnership, the more tempted the parents will be to take what they need from the children.

Appreciation for performance

Because children need love, they want to please their parents. That is why it is so easy to take from them. When the child is brought in as a substitute partner, he or she is forced into a role that is not appropriate. This can start very subtly by being allowed to "help" the parents and being appreciated for achievements.

The Mother's Son

For example, a mother can get male energy and understanding from her son by complaining to him about the unloving partner. And she can be sure of his approval at the latest when the son also suffers from the hard-hearted father.

Kingship for nothing

In this way, she unconsciously makes her son "her king" and the heir to the throne who will one day dethrone and disempower the disagreeable husband.
Her power is to give her son of her admiration and confirmation and thus make him dependent on her. In this way she has him in the palm of her hand and can manipulate him.

The Stolen Heart of the Son

But in this way, the son has attained the "royal dignity" too early and without really having done anything for it. But what he does not know is: the price was high, too high.
His mother has taken his heart for herself.
That is why, even as an adult man, he still believes he can rule in all relationships and obtain a kingdom for nothing. Accordingly, however, his attempts to build a relationship will fail. For he cannot understand why he does not receive the same unqualified "admiration" from other women as he does from Mama.

The curse over the man

Thorns and thistles

Instead of giving him appreciation and admiration, the woman will instead show him her prickly and rejecting side. This is his curse: instead of the fruit of love, he will reap thorns (see Sleeping Beauty and The Curse After the Fall).
That is why it is so important for the man to break away from his mother (see The Deliverance from the Mother).

The "son of a bitch

The "whore" symbolises the woman who lives for power instead of love. For this reason, she does not receive the love from her partner that she actually longs for. Instead, she reaches out to her son and "takes" his heart for herself.

Calling a man a "son of a bitch" therefore implies that he is heartless, incapable of love and devotion and therefore consumes others and takes lives.

The woman as daddy's princess

Daddy's angel and his accomplice

The father pays appreciative attention to his blossoming daughter, especially with regard to her feminine beauty. He also makes her his "accomplice" against the quarrelsome "mother dragon". Perhaps he "lets her in" on secrets that the mother would be better off not knowing ... In this way he compromises the daughter. The daughter will be all the more susceptible to this when she experiences strictness from her mother or is even bullied.

The Stolen Body and the "Whore

Quite unnoticed, the father may be "nibbling" a bit at the daughter's sexual essence by affirming her as a woman. She quickly learns that she can achieve everything she wants with the blink of an eye and with pretty looks, without having to give anything. Thus carried on her hands, she has no idea that she has already lost her wholeness because she is already in the grip of the power of her erotic charisma.

The curse over the woman

The daughter as whore or dark virgin

She gambled away the positive access to her body before she had even taken it for herself. Now it is so obvious to abuse one's own body as well and to use it as a means of power and for personal enrichment (that is the definition of the swear word "whore").

Repression and suffering in the relationship

Instead of love, however, the partner reacts with desire. At some point he demands what the woman offers through her charms - and if necessary, by suppressing her. For he has quickly realised that he can push her off her high horse by devaluing her, because she lives (just like he does) on recognition and admiration. By making her insecure and wearing her down, he can make her give him what he wants. This is violence against her soul. The intensification of this is then tangible violence against her body in order to enforce his desire.

The woman who lives power of seduction has trouble giving her body without obvious advantages for her. For example, she demands gifts as proof of his love and he willingly "buys" them ...

And vice versa ...

For the sake of completeness, it should be mentioned here that the reverse also exists. So it is quite possible that the mother takes emotional energy and confirmation from the daughter and the father lives out his "potency" on his son by bullying and devaluing him.
This kind of "damage" will also have an effect in a later partner relationship of the abused, in that the children as adults are already afflicted with a victim or perpetrator identity (see The Ego as Perpetrator or Victim).

The "original sin": "inherited" behaviour over generations

Transmission of patterns from generation to generation

And so it is not surprising that these patterns are passed on from generation to generation (see The Great Original Sin). For they are unfortunately usually only dissolved in the crisis of the middle years on the way through the underworld, by integrating the shadows. By this time, however, one's own children are usually already grown up. and may themselves already be stuck in a negative couple dynamic again, have children of their own ...

Men without a soul, women without a body

When men without souls and women without bodies start a relationship, problems are inevitable. The couple is familiar with the power game and has learned that the stronger one can take and help himself.

Negative couple dynamics

The negative couple dynamic is rooted in the fact that the man withholds his heart and emotions from the woman, while the woman "does not feel like" giving him her body.

The fact that the man does not really give his heart can have various reasons. It may be, for example, that he has no access to it himself or that he does not want to take the risk of separation pain.
The woman on the other hand cannot give her body because she does not have it. She does not have a good relationship with him because he was "alienated" by male desire too early.

So they are both in the deficit-performance trap (because only true love gives itself away unconditionally).

This is the great "original sin": the lack and dynamics of power are passed on from generation to generation.

The way out of the trap

Back to love instead of power

The Hero's Path

However, the problematic behavior patterns can be lifted anywhere and at any time by the human being deciding for love instead of power.
Thus, he sets out on the hero's path, which also leads to the dissolution of the negative dynamics (see Aladdin and the Magic Lamp and The Hero's Path of Woman).

Weakness integration

It is a long path. For woman, The Way leads through the underworld to the resurrection of love (see The Way of Woman). The man comes into contact with the greater, with the spirit and love, at the latest through an existential injury (see The Way of the Man and The Sacred Wound).

Purification into pure gold

By integrating the shadows, both become life-giving and refreshing bread and wine for others and regain their self, their identity of love. Thus they finally enter the promised land, their promised kingdom, where freedom, abundance and eternal life await.